Theology Not Apology

May 14, 2008

It’s not at all surprising one of the recurring messages for GLBTQ Christians is that in being gay we’re creating a problem since something happens nearly everyday that gives that snarly little message another minute of air play.

In our families we hesitate in coming out to the people we love because we don’t want them to be upset. We worry about the burden it will be to them, the pain it will put them through, the conflicts it will create, and when we finally tell them we’re gay, we feel guilty at having been responsible in some way for their tears or anger; after all, if we’d never said anything, they would have been spared from it all. In our ongoing relationships with family and less than affirming Christian friends, we avoid revealing anything about our lives so as to not upset them further. While they talk easily about what’s going on in their lives, when it comes time for us to share what’s happening with us, we answer with a superficially-safe, “Oh no much, just more of the same-o same-o.”

We see what the issue of homosexuality is doing to the church. Christians on both sides are engaged in heated debates on the bible and homosexuality in their congregations, denominations, and right here on the internet. Mainstream denominations are threatening to splinter over the inclusion of GLBTQ people in the life and ministry of the church and the ordination of gays and lesbians. Straight pastors have been removed from their pastorates because they dared to preside at a gay wedding and other well-known personalities in the church world have been ostracized and ridiculed for voluntarily standing as GLBTQ allies and advocates in the church and society. As we celebrate those congregations that have declared themselves GLBTQ-welcoming and are grateful to our straight friends and allies who’ve paid a personal price, at the same time we carry a lingering sense of indebtedness to them and grief for all the fuss and bother our sexual orientation has brought to the church of Christ. We wonder whether we’re trying to push change too quickly and so we hesitate pursuing church leadership and avoid any physical contact with our partner within eye shot of the church building because it might be easier for everyone if we’re just a little less visible and vocal.

In these ways and others the message is reinforced that our sexual orientation is a major problem, responsible for division and tension in the church and stirring up pain and conflict in our families. We carry that voice inside ourselves and for some it becomes internalized and generalized to such an extent so that the problem is now no longer my sexual orientation but the problem is me. I’m a problem. I’m a problem to my family. I’m a problem to the church. I’m a problem to God. When we internalize the problem as ourselves then it’s understandable we find ourselves at times living as though we need to apologize for our very lives. “I’m here, I’m queer, I’m sorry.”

You are not a problem. That you are gay is not a problem. That you are gay does not even cause the problem. The problem does not belong to you. The problem is how others respond to us. The problem isn’t us but it belongs to those who respond to our full humanity as though it were a problem. No. That’s not even it. The real problem lies in all the erroneous teaching concerning the bible and homosexuality and the ignorant misinformation that’s been perpetuated about GLBTQ people over the decades. The problem resides in the church that already had a huge problem with the issue of sexuality long before we ever raised our gay voice. The problem lives outside us. The problem is not us. The problem is not you. I’m being repetitive here for a reason dear friend.

That the problem isn’t me or about me doesn’t mean I feel nothing in seeing the pain of those I love in my coming out to them, but rather than guilt or anger I feel compassion, recognizing that their pain comes from a lifetime of Christian teaching where exclusivity hides in the shadows of its doctrine and from those within Christianity who’ve used their public platform to promote fear and misinformation about gays and lesbians as a fund raising campaign and to seek conservative acclaim.

That the problem isn’t me or about me doesn’t mean I don’t appreciate the price that’s been paid by straight allies and friends. I’m deeply grateful and moved by the sacrifices I know have been made by so many but I hold that with knowing what they’ve chosen to do has nothing to do with me. In Micah 6:8 we’re called to be a justice people and so each time someone stands up for GLBTQ people that’s not something they’re doing for the sake of you or I, but something they’re doing for the sake of the Gospel. Just as you and I, as GLBTQ people are equally called to advocate for justice, not only for ourselves but for any and all who are marginalized and oppressed.

When talking one day about Christian ethics, a man I greatly admire said that “Everything we say and do says exactly what it is we believe about God. We live our theology.” Those words changed how I approach life. It’s the touchstone I constantly return to through the day, at least those days when I’m being intentional in life rather than moving through in a fog and a flurry. “What am I saying about God in the action I’m about to take or in the words I’m about to speak? What do I believe about God by this thing I’m holding in my heart; by this thought that I’m giving my attention?”

In claiming the wholeness of our lives as GLBTQ people and in particular GLBTQ people of faith we have nothing to apologize for, but rather we are declaring the theology of our hearts; that God is a creative God, a God of surprises, a God of radically ridiculous and extravagant love, a God who on occasion just can’t resist doing the most unpredictable things while working through the most unexpected people. A God of love, grace, and compassion. A God of those who are gay and straight and bi and trans and anyone that falls anywhere in the wildly creative spectrum of humanity.

In Gifted by Otherness, M.R. Riley recalls of her own spiritual journey toward reconciliation,

I was not convinced that I either had a problem or was a problem. I saw clearly that others had a problem with me, but their view seemed merely quaint and ignorant. To judge by the richness of my spiritual life, God did not have a problem with me. I believed then and believe now that I was born gay by the grace of God, and that God found this good, as God found all creation good.

Okay, I’m going to say it one more time. The message telling you that you’re a problem or that your sexuality is causing a problem is wrong. Wrong, so wrong, absolutely wrong. You have nothing to apologize for as a gay, lesbian, bisexual or trans person of God but everything about grace and wholeness to declare to a world that could use a double dose of both. And then some.

Word out.

This is shared by Anita over at sisterfriends-together.org. I think it is absolutely amazing.

When I wrote the other day that I believe we are who we are and we love who we love because it’s by God’s design and for God’s purpose that we’re GLBTQ people; when I called being gay a divine calling, a holy vocation and for the sake of the Gospel, I was saying I believe all that today but I haven’t always.

I didn’t believe being gay was a gift when after 15 years of full-time ministry as a children’s pastor the senior pastor called me into his office and said “For your remaining two weeks as the children’s pastor at the church, I need to ask that you not be alone with any of the children; that you do what you can to avoid being with them at all.”

I had no confidence that being queer was a divine calling when the Christian publishing company called to inform me that while they still wanted to purchase my Christian Education program for national distribution it could only be under the condition that my name not appear as the author because they couldn’t risk having their evangelical market discover the material had been written by a homosexual.

I couldn’t have imagined it was God’s plan I was a lesbian when a Christian educator’s organization passed along word to me that despite having been one of their most popular workshop presenters over the previous six years, they were putting me on notice that they knew I was gay and therefore never again would be asked to speak at their annual conference or participate in any manner whatsoever.

I didn’t dare believe my sexuality was for the sake of the Gospel when it came time to receive the annual application to renew my denominational ministerial license in the mail and my mailbox remained empty; when a loved one who had supported my ministry from the beginning coldly said I should never have entered the ministry at all; or when I closed the door for a final time on an emptied church office where I’d counseled with parents and loved on their children through the main part of my adult years.

For all these reasons and for others held too close to my heart to openly share, I know that calling our sexuality a divine gift, a holy calling, God’s plan, and our purpose can be a challenge when the internal messages and external circumstances seem to reflect a different reality. I really do get it which is all the more reason why I admire you for taking on the challenge to believe something different if only for four days or for two.

All that I mentioned above came about in the first two months following my own coming out as a lesbian. While I had already come to peace concerning being a Christian and a lesbian, I understood my sexuality at that time as something more akin to a burden than a blessing, an oops of God rather than a gift of God. After all, it was coming at such a high price and then there was all that had been lost around my ministry. I had loved the ministry and that my greatest responsibility in my call had been to simply love people and tell of God’s even greater love for them. I couldn’t help wonder if the most meaningful and rewarding years of ministry were behind me.

Haman had tricked King Xeres into issuing a decree that would lead to the destruction of all the Jews. When Mordacai learned of Haman’s plot he sent a messenger to Queen Esther his niece, a closeted Jew, that she should petition her husband the king for the salvation of the Jews. When fear caused Esther to resist the idea, the message Mordacai sent back to her was this:

Do not think that because you are in the king’s house you alone of all the Jews will escape. For if you remain silent at this time, relief and deliverance for the Jews will arise from another place, but you and your father’s family will perish. And who knows but that you have come to royal position for such a time as this?” (Esther 4:14)

Uncle Mordacai dares to suggest that the reason Esther had ever become queen, gaining privilege and renown might well have been for this very moment by placing her into a position where she could save her people, bringing relief and deliverance to the oppressed.

I read this passage one evening during my personal devotional time and something about it grabbed hold of me. Several weeks later I went to a GLBTQ Christian gathering where Marsha Stevens was the keynote speaker. Marsha told of her early years in Christian music when the Jesus Movement exploded and we (the currently middle-aged we) were all listening to Christian groups like Love Song, Second Chapter of Acts, and Children of the Day. She’d written the song, “For Those Tears I Died” while still in her teens, a song that was part of my own youth, playing it over and over again on my clunky 8-Track, strumming it’s simple chords on my acoustic guitar, and carrying the alto line in the church youth choir. Marsha recounted how after coming out as a lesbian she began to receive packages in the mail from churches around the country, filled with copies of her song torn from church hymnals and song books in angry protest upon learning the song writer was gay. In the midst of what must have been a devastating time in her life, Marsha turned to the story of Esther and the words “For such a time as this” rattled inside her, and rather than grieving the past success in ministry she’s once experienced, Marsha continued on to sing and proclaim the Gospel message as an out lesbian Christian and to establish a ministry that’s taken her around the world, healing and blessing the lives of countless GLBTQ and straight people. Marsha believed that all her past successes and accomplishments had been to prepare her for such a time as this.

For such a time as this. The phrase bounced around in my heart for days and then months and when it came to finally rest the idea that being gay was the purposeful intention of God for my life replaced the sense that my sexual orientation was merely a fluke or a flaw. I could never have imagined doing anything in ministry more rewarding or meaningful than all those years of pastoring children and their families, but then I could have never imagined the utter joy of the opportunities I’ve been given in recent years to proclaim God’s unconditional love to GLBTQ people or to anyone for that matter who needs to hear the message of the love of God, the message of the Gospel.

So many doors closed years ago but so many have been opening ever since. I’m an ordained clergywoman. I officiate at the table. There have been opportunities to preach in church and lead workshops designed for GLBTQ Christians. Every Sunday morning, I sit pretzel-style on a small carpet circle in the front of the church and gather the children around me to tell them how precious they are to God and how great is God’s love for them. And then there’s this online ministry and the countless emails I’ve received over the years that say in one way or another, “Thank you for reminding me that God wants to be in relationship with me. Thank you for helping me see God is with me and loves me.” I could never have imagined or thought to ask to be part of anything like this.

In the end I lost nothing in coming out that wasn’t given back to me in extravagant abundance. Everyone is called by God and we spend our lives seeking to live into that calling; to discover our way of being the presence of Christ in the world. The calling doesn’t stop the day we come out. The voice of God isn’t silenced even in the closet. God’s hand is on you. God’s spirit within you. God’s anointing upon you. Who you are is the very person God needs for you to be in this world. You have a way of speaking and living God’s love that will touch someone in a way that my life and others lives simply couldn’t do. Your life reflects a particular angle of God’s character and being that’s the exact angle someone else needs desperately to see. These might sound like sentimental words and sentimental they might be but they’re also very real. Nothing in your life is unusable to God. Nothing is less than a gift when devoted to God’s glory.

Whatever you’ve done in the past, wherever the present finds you, God has called you…for such a time as this.

Discussion

With everything that went on in the UMC this week, and the PCUSA coming up soon, it seems fitting to discuss LGBT inclusion in denominations that are not all that inclusive.

How do you feel about staying in a denomination that is not inclusive to LGBT people? People who leave because of it (like going to the UCC)? Is all this fighting actually accomplishing anything? Should people stay and fight or go to another denomination? Is there a difference for people who want to be ordained and laypeople?

From Tracy

Got this from Tracy's blog

i received this message from a friend of mine the other day. please read and reflect… this situation is not ok.

… As you may know, last Friday was the Day of Silence, a day that was created to make people aware that gay individuals have been silenced in our society.

Well, I had a full-time job a supplemental instructor in a local high school, tutoring individuals who needed support in their classes. One day, some students asked me if I am gay, and I informed them that I indeed am gay.

Now, my orientation was no choice of my own, but I am now thankful that for it. I am not ashamed of this.

However, the principal told me that I should not have told anyone because my orientation is no one’s business. Normally, that would be the case. However, in a society where my people are publicly persecuted and oppressed, my personal life immediately becomes relevant to the public. For example, how could Martin Luther King’s message have had the same power if he couldn’t let anyone know that he was black himself? How could Esther plead for her people if she could not tell her husband that she, too, was an Israelite?

Secondly, I wanted to show students by my example that gay people are cool and respectable, and not abnormal, depraved, or predatory, etc. Many of them had never met someone who was gay. I was in a unique place to destroy ignorance.

Unfortunately, the principal fired me because of the truth. My witness at that school was silenced.

Do not feel sorry for me, but pray for my students who wander lost without their mentor, and pray for the man who perjures himself every morning when he affirms his commitment, before God, to the idea of “justice for all.”

discrimination like this is never ok. it is this type of behavior that encourages the undeserved violence and hatred towards LGBT individuals in schools, workplaces and in society.

i say it again…

this
is
not
ok!

Gay... No Problem for God

marriedtothesea.com

Whose your candidate

I am reposting this discussion. Who is your presidential candidate? Mccain? Obama? Clinton?

Coming Out By Sauce

My first memory of reflecting on my own sexuality and gender expression is at the age of 6. I clearly remember first grade like it was yesterday. I had a little bit of a mullet and a sweater dress; I looked like a “normal girl” in 1991. I went to a small school and during lunch we played this game: girls chase boys. Ever heard of it? The girls chase the boys around the playground, I guess to catch them or something…I am not sure why. That was exactly it, I never understood the game very much at all. I tried to participate but there was something about chasing boys that never kept my interest.

Flash to age 12. By this time, I was not the “normal girl” anymore. In fact, I was quite the opposite. It was 1997 and I was in a total grunge fad. Seventh grade was so painful. Not only was it normal awkward like middle school is for everyone, but I was a total dyke. With my buzzcut, baggy boy cammo pants, boy janco t-shirt, Dr. Martin combat boots, and bike chain necklace, I was definitely not the cool kid. My gender expression had always been a little on the masculine side. I always blamed it on my weight, saying that female clothes never fit me right. The truth was, I liked it a lot when people would call me “son” and “he” out in the mall or at a restaurant. There was something about it. At the same time, my body was definitely developing feminine features and despite my hormonal imbalance, my body managed to produce wide hips and one nice breast (the other one was not so nice). I hated my body.

Sexuality was in full bloom at my school. Everyone I knew had a boyfriend or was being invited to sleepovers. As an awkward young lesbian, I was never invited out ever. The girls didn’t want me at their sleepovers because I didn’t talk about boys and the boys didn’t want to date me because I looked like them. I had a few friends, but no one that I really felt I could open up to. One night, I was staying up late, not having any weekend plans, and I caught something on TV that brought me to my realization. I can’t remember whether it was the movie Gia or some horribly scrambled porn that turned me on, but something did it. I quickly realized that this naked woman on the TV was turning me on. It scared me a lot. I couldn’t get my body to stop tingling. That was the night I went into the closet and became asexual. I would spend several years completely ignoring all forms of sexuality. I wouldn’t recognize my body as needing touch or stimulation. Forget about pretending to like men; I would like no one.

It was sophomore year of high school. In order to fit in socially in high school, I turned myself into a girl I was still overweight, but I was growing my hair out from the short haircut I had had since I was about 8. I had an extensive skirt collection and I wouldn’t go anywhere without a purse. I had gotten breast implants to make my body look like everyone else’s. However, I still didn’t wear makeup, had thick glasses, bit my nails to nothing, and did not experience any sexuality. I had not even kissed a person or gone on a date. I was friendlier with teachers than students and I was never invited to sweet sixteens In my history class, we had to pick research topics. The Gay Liberation Movement was suggested and I took it, thinking it would be easy since it wasn’t very long ago. Still to this day, I honestly remember being so far in denial about my sexuality that I did not think I was a lesbian at all. I just happened to pick the topic. I loved that research paper. I worked day and night on it and won research paper of the year. As a result, I joined the floundering gay-straight alliance, PULSE, elected myself president, and became obsessed.

For the next couple years of high school, I would become the best straight ally in the history of the world. I ran PULSE for the next 2 years under the guise of being straight. However, I really do not recall thinking about being a lesbian. I never had this idea like I was in the closet, lying about who I was. Instead, I continued to be a model straight ally, claiming, to the best of my knowledge, that I was straight. I was so deep in the closet that I had convinced myself! During this time, I also turned to religion. I am not sure that I was conscious of why I suddenly had an interest in Christianity, but in hindsight, I think it was a way for me to be a walking contradiction and balance my liberal feelings on sexuality with something more mainstream and widely accepted. Needless to say, my religious phase didn’t last long as I wasn’t really a believer.

I came (again) to my realization of homosexuality my senior year. I realized that I was in love with my best friend, Leanna. All of a sudden, my memories of feeling all my life that there was something off about my sexuality came rushing forward. I knew that this was my label and it belonged to me the whole time. Shortly thereafter, I came out to all my friends and family. I went through a brief period of time where I didn’t want to tell them, thinking that they may not even believe me. However, I started having feelings of resentment, which forced me to just tell them already! No one was surprised at all. I guess I never thought that people would know until I told them. There was something about them all knowing that was a little violating. Everyone said that they had known that I was gay for a while and that they were just waiting until I told them. My family was and continues to be very supportive in everything that I do.

After coming out as a lesbian, I have started to really own my gender expression as I have always wanted it to be. I have more or less gone back to my seventh grade self (only I have updated my style a little). Going back to the buzzcut hair and male clothing, I have started to live the way I have always felt I should. My identity as a transperson, a gender queer person, a person living life “in the middle” began my junior year of college. I had been slowly moving back to where I wanted my gender expression to be, but only with a lot of judgment from others. I did lose a few lesbian friends, but I have found new friends who accept me for who I am. I began using a nickname instead of my given name and I plan on legally changing it soon. Now I bind my fake breasts (talk about an ironic situation) and try to live my life as neither man nor woman, just an ambiguous individual. I plan on removing my implants and pursuing the use of hormones to get my body to where I am more comfortable with it. I have yet to come out to my family as trans, but I am sure that they will be supportive. Just like anytime I tell my parents something special, it takes time for me to work out how I should say it. But I do not underestimate the love that they have for me.

“Coming out” is a never ending process that we, members of the queer community, face our whole lives. Some say that the idea of coming out implies that we have to admit to something. We will have to come out and identify ourselves as long as heterosexism exists, as long as the gender binary exists. In my opinion, to come out is to do a service to our community and the world. Without visibility, we are nonexistent. Diana Ross sings, “I’m coming out, I want the world to know, got to let it show.” She reminds us how good it feels to come out and how good we make others feel when we come out. Never underestimate the power you have by simply identifying yourself to others.

- Sauce Leon

Coming Out Meggo Style

when i first think about my sexuality, i remember not thinking boys were very important to me from a very young age. that is not to say that i didn't like boys as friends or get along with them, but more in that i really didn't feel the need to go crazy about boys, even while other girls started getting crushes on them. my clearest memory of this sentiment was when all my friends that were girls were super into

New Kids on the Block (NKOTB)


and Saved by the Bell


...i was WAY more into Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles,

Reading Rainbow,


and Punky Brewster


(a clear sign that i was such a dyke from a very early age...)...i felt no inclination to pick my favoirtie NKOTB or choose who was cuter, Zach or Slater...when really, i totally had a crush on Kelly

(total hottie!)

but being that i was raised Catholic and was told that homosexuality was punishable by eternal damnation, i really tried hard to be attracted to boys. in junior high, i had pretty much nailed the art of appearing to be boy obsessed, while secretly having crushes on many a girl on my volleyball, basketball and softball teams. my room was plastered full of half naked boys...in fact, i'm pretty sure i had an entire wall dedicated to 6-packs, beefy arms and backs...

(it looked a little like this...but envision an entire wall of male objectification...)



by the time i reached high school, i was pretty sure i was a lesbian, and had even entered a down-low relationship with one of my best friends. i was fine with this arrangement because we lived in a rural, conservative town...and quite frankly, being brown in an all-white town gave me more than enough unwanted attention. it wasn't until my second year in college, that i embraced my sexuality and came out to many of my close friends...but even then...it was a very gradual coming out. hell, i knew my mom knew i wasn't straight but when i came out to her i literally said "i'm in a relationship with another woman"....i couldn't say 'i'm a lesbian'. i came out as being 'sexual' (meaning, i didn't want to fix my sexuality to any one category), to being a dyke, to being a lesbian, to being queer, to being a queer dyke...you get the point.



as i think about my progression of self-labeling, i think about how 'coming out' is never something that you get to do once and be done with it. first you come out to yourself, then maybe your close friends, then maybe your parents/relatives...maybe your teachers or mentors...then your co-workers, then your boss, maybe a stranger on the metro because you get into a great conversation and you feel comfortable sharing yourself a little...


it is always something that you have to navigate in your every day life...in your day to day interactions... however, taking that first step does alleviate the difficulty and it has definitely increased my self-confidence, as i no longer feel as though it is some huge secret identity that, if found out, i will be destroyed. (dramatic, i know...but when you're a recovering catholic, it's serious business people!)


some of the most interesting times i've had with deciding who to come out to has been within the restaurant industry...last summer, i worked at a restaurant that was located within a mountain lodge in colorado. i knew that i would only have that job for about a month and was really focused on just getting a job, making as much money as i could, and then moving back to dc to finish my last year of my master's program. because i knew i wasn't really going to be making many super great friends, as this really was a strictly business endeavor, i decided to not let anyone in on my personal life a whole lot. i wanted to 'just be me' instead of being that brown girl who we aren't sure of what exactly she...oh and did we mention? she's also a big fat dyke.


it wasn't until the end of my last shift that i came out to some of my coworkers when we were having our shift drinks and shooting the shit. i received an overwhelming response of 'why didn't you say anything?!?'...and all i could think was 'i just didn't want to be treated differently...' i think this particular experience was very telling for me because i was living and working in a space where i felt like my primary identity was more about my racial makeup than anything else and so because i was receiving so much attention because of that, i didn't want to deal with the implications of negotiating people's reactions to my being a lesbian.

another experience i have had was at a restaurant/bar that was specifically geared toward the queer community. the majority of people staffing the place were gay men and there was one other lesbian that i worked with. i really enjoyed this job because it was a space where i really could be me...i could be meggo...the brown queer girly butch dyke. i got to wear shorts, sneakers, baseball hats, tshirts...you know, your basic softball dyke attire! however, the majority of the gay men i waited on were, for some reason, oblivious to my sexual orientation and assumed that i was straight...or bisexual...i know this because they'd ask me to check out other guys in the restaurant with them. when i would respond, 'i'm not really sure what i'm supposed to be looking for to help you because i don't look at men that way'. i would immediately be given that look...you know...the 'interesting' look. the look that is quizzical....where you can literally see the wheels turning. even though the look never lasted too long, it was still there :) it was usually followed by a grin and then questions about 'how i knew?' and 'what do lesbians do?' etc...this environment, though frustrating at times, was one of the healthiest working environments because i felt safe in my workplace and i did feel free to just be myself...even though some people still didn't know i was a dyke until i told them.

in other words...since i've come out to myself, i've realized that it's not something that i can be done with once it happens...it's something that i negotiate on a daily basis in conjunction with other aspects of what makes me me (i.e. my race, class, gender, geographic location, etc.) it's something that i have had to make a conscious decision to do, based upon how comfortable i feel with the people i am surrounded by...but it does get easier...that's for sure!



Check out Meggo's cooperative music blog: A Song For the Day.

Candidate

So who is your presidential candidate?

A little bit of humor.

Here is a little comic I like. Anyone else have one?

marriedtothesea.com

And from m-e-g-g-o

Discussion

Civil Unions or Marriage? What is the difference between these two? Does it matter? What is at stake? State by state or federal? Discuss.

Discussion

The word "queer" has become more popular as an identity and simply as terminology for people who identify as LGBT. People use it in a variety of ways. What do YOU think queer is? What does it mean to you? Do you like that word, that identity? Is it a positive or negative term and/or identity for the movement?

Still Growing by Brenda

Even when I was a little kid, there was something terribly alluring and exciting about other girls. I remember being eight years old, and having races on the playground. We’d run and run and run, our little legs flying. As our long hair whipped out behind us, I thought, “This is amazing.” I imagined we were wild horses, galloping free with our manes flowing in the wind. It was a good feeling, but the races always ended, and we always had to go back inside.

School was a funny place for me. I always had a lot of friends growing up, but at the same time I felt separate from them, different. One thing was that I never developed a worshipful feeling towards the boys at my school. They would jump all over the place and be jerks and gross. Most girls would practically swoon over them, but not me. I thought they were stupid and pompous and I challenged them at every turn. I really had no motivation to impress the boys or follow their rules, and I let them know that every day. Thinking back about it now, at age 27, I probably on some level understood that those rules were part of a game for heterosexuals to play, and I wasn’t part of it. I had nothing to lose by challenging the boys and talking back to them, so I did it.

I first put a name on my difference when I was twelve. It was at the library. Every Saturday, my mother drove my brother and me to the larger (and better) public library thirty miles away. She set us free to discover whatever we wanted to discover. She had no rules about what books we could read or check out, only that we not lose them. (What a cool mom!) On that fateful day when I was twelve, I decided to read a book about “growing up” for girls. In the middle of the book were two pages about sexual orientation: “Some girls are attracted to other girls. They are called lesbians. Some girls are attracted to boys and girls. They are called bisexuals.” Ohhhhhhhhhh! Something big clicked in me. I latched onto the word “bisexual.” “That is me,” I thought. I remember looking out the windows of the backseat on the drive home, happily thinking of myself as a bisexual.

But things were not really happy for me after that. Even though I suddenly had a much better understanding of myself, I automatically understood that “now” was not a good time to explore it. I grew up in a very small, rural town, where homogeneity was valued above all else. Differences were not well-tolerated, and I had seen several examples of people who were driven out of town because they had strayed too far from the norm. Being from a farm, family and friends and having that community meant everything to me. At the age of 12, I made a conscious decision to wait and “let it go for now.” Also, this was the early 1990s, before Ellen and Rosie and Al Gore’s internet opened up a whole new world for us. I become something like a dormant seed- hidden potential, waiting for the right conditions before I sprouted.

I went away to college in 1999, when I was 18 years old. College turned out to be a much different place than the farm life I was used to! I met all kinds of interesting people with interesting experiences and philosophies. I also met S, the most fascinating person I had ever known. She smoked cigarettes and drank beer and had a leather jacket… I practically swooned every time she talked to me. My eyes followed her in the crowd, and I always wanted to be by her if I saw her at a party. When she hugged me or held my hand, I felt like I was on fire. Even with all that, I still was too scared to come out of the closet to anyone.

That changed when S got a girlfriend. I was absolutely crushed, devastated. What about me? What about us? It was so dramatic. When I saw them dancing together at the GLBTA dance, I left all in a rush. I ran back to my dorm room and collapsed into a pile on my bed in the dark. As I stared at the wall, a voice came into my head, “You have to come out. It will be like this every time unless you come out.” I knew that I would never have a chance to love someone until I came out.

So after that night, bit by bit I started to come out. That was eight years ago, and I am still on my journey. With each passing year and each relationship, I have become more confident and comfortable. One thing that has been very important to me has been to maintain my health- physically, mentally, emotionally, and spiritually. Another thing has been to really own my body and my sexuality- to make my own decisions about sex, my body, and relationships, and to not let anyone else make those decisions for me.

If I could say anything to those kids who are in high school or college and just coming out, it would be that everything will be ok. You’ll figure your stuff out and then get on with your life. Ultimately, your sexual orientation will not define who you are. Your health and your fire, your passion and the good things you do will speak for you and give your life meaning. The people around you will benefit from your wisdom and your struggle. In the end, life is good and very worth living.

Check out Brenda's blog threeholepunchme.blogspot.com

Coming Out Story by Kathryn

This is the first installment of my coming out queer, white, feminist, femme, lesbian, bisexual-it is a performative piece I am working on.

"But you still like girlclothes?" My mother asks me

I stare out the window of her four-wheel-drive pick-up truck. Tears are streaking down my face. We pass cornfields and farmland on the way to our house and I stare at them wondering what it would be like to be a stalk of corn just blowing in the breeze. I am scrunched up pressed against the passenger-side window as absolutely far away from my mother as is possible in a two passenger truck.

I have just come out to her. "Mom, I'm dating a woman," I manage to say the words. "Her name is Sarah, and we have been having a relationship. I didn't expect it, it just kind of happened." I have the taste of metal in my mouth as I speak, it is dry and I hope that I can just make it through the rest of the conversation.

"But what about Daniel," she asks genuinely confused.

I met Daniel my second week of college and we had been together for about two years. He was my first love and my feelings for him were genuine, just not ideal. My tone is getting somewhat defensive as the tears turn to words of anger. "We have been broken up for awhile now and he knows about Sarah. He isn't happy about the situation but he loves and respects me. You know he wants to get married and have babies, those are things I have always honestly said I did not want."

"I didn't know you were serious," she responds quietly. I see her hopes and dreams for my heteropatriarchal future disappearing before both of our eyes.

The truth of the situation is that while I loved him I didn't want the life of normalcy often situated in heterosexual relationships. He was an amazing man, a feminist, was much tidier than me, and with a knack for doing whatever he could in order to improve my life. However, in the end Daniel was still training to be a high school history teacher so that he could be a football coach and I was worried that one day he would come to me and ask me to make brownies for his team of hungry, hormonal teenage boys. And that thought frightened me to all hell. That was in fact my hell, a life of normativity, marriage, children, houses, and picket fences and that was what I saw as my future if I didn't get out. I don't want to trivialize my relationship with him, or diminish the fact that I truly loved him, I just knew that in order to be truly happy I couldn't be with him.

"Have you always been this way?" She continues the rapid-fire question and answer session.

I feel the tension rising in my voice and choking my throat. Oh goodness-how honest should I be I think to myself? "Well Sarah is not the first woman I have been involved with, although it is the most serious." It was true I had had minor flirtations, a college girl when I went to church camp, a friend in high school, and the ephemeral crushes on girls I saw in coffee shops or restaurants. I had even kissed a woman prior to Sarah, but never anything more, never a more intimate connection emotionally and physically.

I begin to sweat. The metallic taste in my mouth increases. Everyone had assured me that my mother, my feminist of a mother would be fine with my being gay. My best friends since high school had convinced me that my mother would think that this whole thing was no big deal. "She's so supportive of you I really don't think this is going to change any of that." I had in fact convinced myself that she would not think it was a big deal. This was not going the way I had expected.

"So are you a lesbian?" My mother does this thing where she grabs her mouth with her hand and sort of pulls at the sides and the corners while it is covered. She has shared with me on occasion that she does this to keep some words from coming out of her mouth-she in effect silences herself at times. I see she is doing it right now and I become worried-this is not turning out well.

Oh god! Panic ensues, the tension creeps up higher and higher. The one question I didn't want to get into. I mean it's so complicated right? It's not easy to just say yes or no in this case because I believe my sexual identity to be so much more complex than this. But I want to explain this to her in a way that isn't scary, that won't find her completely closed off to my radical thinking. I'm pretty sure with my progressive feminist politics and values she already thinks I am a little bit crazy. I didn't necessarily want her thinking that I had chosen this sexual orientation (although in many senses I believe that I did), I didn't want her to think I could just switch it back from gay to straight, or turn it off altogether. I also didn't think introducing the term "queer" right at that moment was exactly appropriate. Maybe I should have, maybe I should have given her the whole spiel on queerness and performance, in retrospect I probably should have, but I didn't.

"Well no, I am bi-sexual." I shrink sown further into the fuzzy soft interior of the truck. Maybe eventually I will just be sucked into it. Bisexual. BI-sexual, Bye-sexual, Buy-Sexual. ACK! I hate that word, BI-SEXUAL-the fact that it implies that only two sexes exist and that I am equally attracted to both, and that I am just overtly sexual and can't make up my mind-I hate it. Unfortunately I don't know exactly how to explain it any other way. I decide that of terms to use this one was however, the most useful and at least describes my relationships thus far in my life, one significant with a man one significant with a woman.

My mother's eyes grow wide with even more confusion. I can tell she is trying. Trying to listen. I don't think that she hates me, yet anyway...

I try to offer a disclaimer, "I mean I just love people mom, despite their sex." Again, not exactly my feelings but in the context I want to try and help her understand without completely dislocating her from my life. I don't like that this argument seems to imply an attitude of indecision, flittering back and forth between the known and the unknown of sexuality. This concept which is usually called fluidity makes my anxiety rise because it seems to lack introspection and reflexivity and seems to refer to an overt insatiable appetite for sexuality (which is cool too-it just isn't my feeling.)

I mean I know that on a daily basis I want my intimate relationships to be negotiated with people who are QUEER and if those people happen to have vaginas I am going to be even more thrilled-this is not something I am "fluid" about. Who that actual person or people happen to be-that's where I am more open and flexible. I am not sure she is ready to know and understand this yet. I don't know that in this moment I truly understand and know this about myself yet. What do I know I am a crazy fool in love, my first girl-love. I am excited, I am nervous, and honestly I am scared-shitless.

"Is it my fault?" my mother asks timidly. "I known you don't really have any good male role models. I mean my relationships with men haven't exactly been the best. Or is it because you were…you know…"

Oh no! My other place of worry, she blames herself and she blames my lacking relationships with men. She thinks I am this way because of men because men have personally hurt me and violated my body. She thinks I am this way because I was molested as a child and raped as a teenager. She thinks I am this way because of her relationships with men and the fact that she has been personally hurt and violated by them.

I don't know if this is true or not-if this is why I might be queer-I am not ready to rule it out as taboo and politically incorrect as it sounds-I just honestly don't know why I am the way I am. I don't like to think things are quite this simple, that my sexuality is a direct effect of a man or even more generally of masculinity in my culture-I am also not ready to completely dismiss that my sexuality might have a link to the fact that as a social creature I saw my mother's and other women's unhappiness in their boring heteronormative lives, internalized this and decided that I would rather be with women in order to avoid this potential sense of unhappiness I interpreted as being with men. I also cannot say that a piece of me, as anti-essentialist as I am, that somewhere my brain doesn't blame masculinity for having hurt my body and made me feel at times safer around women-I know this is silly, but I believe those men that hurt me were social creatures too. I don't know if I should say these things to my mother-the fact that even I question where my sexuality came from . I don't want to blame anyone especially her, she has enough guilt in her life.

"No" I reply, "It's not your fault and it is not because I was raped either." I am disappointed in myself for not trusting her enough at this moment with my feelings and my story for not giving her everything but censoring what comes out of my mouth so as not to offend her .

I realize it is hard to come out as a queer academic (and I use the term academic loosely as a 21 year old undergraduate.) It is not as easy as simply saying, "Mom, I am a lesbian, or mom I'm gay." In my realm of existence it is so much more complex than that. And maybe it is this hard for everyone because sexuality is such a contradiction for many different reasons, I just know that my knowledge of big words like queer, negotiation, performativity, and contingent all play a significant factor in my realm of understanding my sexuality. I am glad it is complicated and complex-I also know this makes it no easier to explain it to anyone outside of academic discourse.

But how do you approach a "coming-out" that is not really a "coming-out" story in the conventional sense of the phrase.

How do you start a conversation and say mom, "I'm not a lesbian but the romantic relationships I will mostly be persuing from here on out will most likely resemble what we typically think of as a lesbian relationship? The difference will be that I do not wish to be considered normal or normative-even with a female as my object of desire. I do not want to partner up and live in a house with a picket fence in the suburbs. I will not fight for my right to get married because I do not want to marry anyone, EVER. I do not wish to reinforce an institution of the dominant heterosexual, capitalist patriarchy (hooks). I do not want a lesbian wedding or a commitment ceremony. Instead I will do what makes me happy, complete with negotiating queer sexuality on a daily basis possibly through butch and femme encounters, femme drag performativity, sadist and masochist sexual practices, and more generally deciding the kind of person I am going to be with based off their embodied sense of politics." I will never ever make the brownies for a female partner anymore than I would a male. It's not exactly easy to say these things to one's mother.

"But you still like girlclothes right?" My mother asks me sliding the words girl and clothes together into one word.

"Of course" I assure her, "Just because I'm bi-sexual doesn't mean I am a different person," I find myself choking out the words and laughing a little to myself. I picture the most stereotypical looking lesbian imaginable complete with black dyke boots, flannel shirt, and mullet haircut, I then picture this identity on me. I chuckle a little harder.

In this moment I realize how inextricably linked my sexuality and gender presentation have become. In this moment my mother has helped to normalize my sexuality by ensuring that I will in fact continue to be feminine in my appearance. I decide that to be accepted by my family in this moment I probably shouldn't play with my gender appearance too much, despite the fact that I might secretly desire to do so. I will just gave to find other ways to be queer. The message becomes loud and clear-it's ok to be gay (not desirable perhaps) but what is really necessary is that I continue to make sure I look feminine because once that goes everyone is going to talk.

"I just feel like I don't know you anymore. There is a part of you I will just never understand now." My mother says sadly as though I have just offended a best friend-someone who knows you as well or better than you know yourself. It is as though I have offended my mother mostly by not confiding in her sooner, she is hurt that I have held back and not invited her into this part of my life.

I think to myself-you don't know me anymore-because I haven't let her know me, I haven't been honest and I haven't given her my entire story. How could she know me when I am holding back, when I am the one unwilling to be vulnerable, unwilling to share my true experience with coming out, coming out in my own queer white academic feminist femme lesbian bisexual way?

I say nothing but continue to press my body against the door and window of the passenger side of my mother's truck. The arm rest is digging into my side and I continue to cry-quietly this time, almost in complete silence. I stare aimlessly out the window staring at the corn between my tears running down my face. The snow begins to fall and we ride the rest of the way home in silence.


--
Kathryn
http://thelesbianphallacy.blogspot.com/
http://perform-i-tivity.blogspot.com/

Queering Religion, Queering Self

My experiences of living in tension with a norm of heterosexuality have significantly shaped my worldview so that my queer sexuality is at the core of everything I think and believe. As a very reflexive person who gets off on theoretical musings, I could write volumes and will certainly contribute more to this beautifully-conceived blog. I want to begin, though, by posting an email I recently sent to a friend in response to some of her concerns about homosexuality in relation to her particular Christian beliefs. I am deeply interested in religious studies, so I could talk forever about sexuality and religion. However, at the end of the day, I believe it is the truth of human experience that deserves our full attention and respect. And so I will enter into this blog world by sharing some of my experiences as I related them to my friend in a recent email...

I first realized an attraction for other boys very naturally. What I mean is that it did not seem strange or somehow inappropriate. It was not until puberty, when those childlike emotions developed into concrete sexual desires, that I realized that I was different and deviant in an unacceptable way. In fourth grade, an outside mission group came to my church, and I asked Jesus into my heart. From that time forward, I was committed to living a life worthy of Christ. When I realized that my body longed for things I believed to be contrary to God's expectations for my life, I felt impure and prayed fervently for change. All throughout high school, I would pray for hours on end that God would help cleanse me of sexual thoughts that I believed to be sinful. I read the Bible often, hoping that I would find something that would click and lead to lasting change. Eventually I was led to a charismatic Bible study where they talked about life in the Spirit. Immediately I was drawn to the idea that the Holy Spirit could dwell inside me and override my human thoughts and failings. There were certainly weeks where I felt like I had successfully remained strong in the Lord, but the same desires would resurface. I felt hopeless, and yet I still thought that if I prayed long enough and believed hard enough that God would ultimately transform my weak self. At one point I was bothered to the extent that I confided in a friend, but when she asked about it later, I said that I had finally worked through it and that it was no longer an issue. I was too embarrassed to admit that I had somehow failed in the Lord.

As I look back on that time, I remember a single moment more vividly than any other. One morning I woke up and could not fall back asleep. I prayed to God, using as many words as possible, hoping that I could say something right that would spark a new way of being. Out of nowhere came the thought, "What if God does not care if you are attracted to men?" I cannot say now if God was speaking to me in that moment, but it was a question posed with such seriousness that for an instant, I believed it could be legitimate. It scared me to death. In the second that I entertained such a radical notion, I immediately reacted with the thought, "But what if I accept my attraction to men as natural and God really does have a problem with it?" I trusted that I would be safer believing my desires to be impure, and so I passed off that notion as ridiculous.

It was not until many years later that I experienced the question, "What if God does not care if you are attracted to men?" as a moment of grace. I had done everything I could think of, and I had done it for years. I had furrowed my brow in prayer hard enough that my head would hurt. I had worked myself into an emotional frenzy often enough that I believed I could hold onto the feeling if I would just work hard enough. And then I realized that believing in God is believing in the humanity that God has created. Reading the Bible is participating in a conversation about what it means to live in relation to God and other human beings, a dialogue that has been taking place throughout history. Being religious is bringing our experiences of God and of the world to the table and discussing what we know to be true about life. Living in community is engaging in the fullness of one another's humanity and creatively dealing with tensions so that we might value and cherish each other.

As you know, I have committed my life to studying the Bible. I could discuss with you how I think about the Bible and homosexuality for all time if you would like and would certainly welcome the opportunity to engage further. However, for this moment, I just wanted to share with you something deeply personal and spiritual from my experience.

Lesbian, gay, bisexual, and transgender people experience a hurt that goes beyond interpretation of the Bible. As people discuss the technical aspects of scripture, those who do not readily fit the dominant expectations must deal with a confusing and painful reality. People who struggle every day to put God first feel as if they are failing because a part of their humanity does not match what some say is the proper way to live. I have a really hard time imagining that God ignores those desperate prayers. I cannot put my faith in a God who would allow a gay teenager to ask every day for guidance only to be left feeling utterly helpless to the point of taking her own life. It happens, and it happens to people who earnestly work to commit their lives to God.

What if God does not care if they are attracted to people of the same sex?

Tyler's link of interest: www.thetaskforce.org (Link "Other Links" on right column)

Coming Out By The Green Queen

Growing up in the 1960’s and 1970’s was in some ways very different from today, particularly in terms of being gay and the larger culture. I was 12 years old when Stonewall happened and I can recall the brief article in the New York Daily News reporting on the “incident”. It wasn’t until 1973 that the American Psychiatric Association removed homosexuality from its Diagnosis and Statistic Manuel (DMS). It may be hard for some to imagine but before the mid 1970s it was illegal in many places in the United States for queers to “congregate”, thus the few and underground gay bars that existed were routinely raided and patrons/staff arrested; and it was not uncommon for queers to be forced into mental institutions by family or school authorities, particularly those whose gender expression didn’t fit into the accepted social norm. A fear that was very real for me. There were no Pride parades, no gay rights, no “Will and Grace”, no positive expression of gay people in art or media. If you have the chance to watch either “The Children’s Hour” or the original version of “The Boys in the Band” you will get a good image of exactly what it was like to be lesbian or gay in those days.

It was around Christmas time 1979, I was driving around in my car with my best friend, who had recently decided to leave college in Texas and return home to Long Island. That evening my friend decided to “come out” to me and in response to his “confession” I came out to him. It was a very freeing moment, to speak out loud to another person and admit the truth of myself. Though it is kind of a funny thing, because you see, I was what was often referred to as an “obvious homosexual”. I didn’t really need to say I was queer because all the boys, well most of them, constantly called me “faggot” and “fem”, particularly during my teen years, and not in an endearing or empowering manner. Those were years filled with shame that instilled a sense of self-loathing that has haunted me throughout my life. So that night to speak out loud to another person in an atmosphere of honesty and affirmation was truly a freeing moment.

Over the course of the next few months I would “come out” to all my friends and family. The reaction by most of them was almost universally the same – “So tell me something I don’t already know.” I guess being an “obvious homosexual” has its good side too. My mother was the only one who acted like she was shocked by the news, and carried on as if I had placed a dagger in her heart. I remember at one point in her initial rant her saying “I never would have thought you were a homo.” To which I recall responding, “Well Mom you are the only one.” My father didn’t react at all as he had silently come to accept the fact that his son was a “faggala” many years before, much to his shame and disappointment. He had hoped for a son who would enjoy fishing and hunting and have John Wayne as his role-model, instead of a boy who loved paper dolls and cake decorating and whose role-models were Doris Day and Donna Reed. My parents never openly rejected me and they tolerated the fact that I was who and what I was, but they would never really come to embrace it either. I suppose, given others stories, I have something to be grateful for in that fact. My younger sisters were cool with it, my second oldest sister wasn’t the least bit surprised, but my oldest sister came to quietly accept something she wished she could deny.

In the end of June 1980 I would move out of my parent’s home into an apartment in Flushing Queens with my best friend and another young gay male friend, and I began to live as an open and self-accepting gay person from that point. That was many years ago, and I have never regretted my decision to come out and live as I am. I’m not saying that there aren’t things I’ve done in my life that I regret and wish I had done differently, who honestly can say they have no regrets, except perhaps a fool or a liar; but I am glad that I came to accept myself for who I am, and coming out made a huge and positive difference in my life.

The funny thing is that after all these years the only place I am forced to keep more or less silent about who I am is in my church. Funny because God knows who God made, and Jesus called me to Himself knowing who I am and He never asked me to be something I am not. Yet when I am with my brothers and sisters in Christ I must walk a tight rope. A tight rope not made by God but by human bias and preconceptions. No where in the bible does God say it is a sin to be a homosexual, but it does say “though your father or mother may forsake you, I the Lord will never forsake you”, and true to God’s word God has never forsaken me. Jesus likewise never condemns homosexuality or asks any body to change their sexual orientation, but He does say “Come to Me all you who are weary and heavy burdened, and I will give you rest”, and so He has given me rest and restoration, and I know, despite the misunderstanding of some of my sisters and brothers in Christ, that no thing and no one, not even the self-righteous, can ever separate me from the love of God in Christ.

The Green Queen's links of interest: www.epistle.us (Link under "other links" on right column)