Coming Out By The Green Queen

Growing up in the 1960’s and 1970’s was in some ways very different from today, particularly in terms of being gay and the larger culture. I was 12 years old when Stonewall happened and I can recall the brief article in the New York Daily News reporting on the “incident”. It wasn’t until 1973 that the American Psychiatric Association removed homosexuality from its Diagnosis and Statistic Manuel (DMS). It may be hard for some to imagine but before the mid 1970s it was illegal in many places in the United States for queers to “congregate”, thus the few and underground gay bars that existed were routinely raided and patrons/staff arrested; and it was not uncommon for queers to be forced into mental institutions by family or school authorities, particularly those whose gender expression didn’t fit into the accepted social norm. A fear that was very real for me. There were no Pride parades, no gay rights, no “Will and Grace”, no positive expression of gay people in art or media. If you have the chance to watch either “The Children’s Hour” or the original version of “The Boys in the Band” you will get a good image of exactly what it was like to be lesbian or gay in those days.

It was around Christmas time 1979, I was driving around in my car with my best friend, who had recently decided to leave college in Texas and return home to Long Island. That evening my friend decided to “come out” to me and in response to his “confession” I came out to him. It was a very freeing moment, to speak out loud to another person and admit the truth of myself. Though it is kind of a funny thing, because you see, I was what was often referred to as an “obvious homosexual”. I didn’t really need to say I was queer because all the boys, well most of them, constantly called me “faggot” and “fem”, particularly during my teen years, and not in an endearing or empowering manner. Those were years filled with shame that instilled a sense of self-loathing that has haunted me throughout my life. So that night to speak out loud to another person in an atmosphere of honesty and affirmation was truly a freeing moment.

Over the course of the next few months I would “come out” to all my friends and family. The reaction by most of them was almost universally the same – “So tell me something I don’t already know.” I guess being an “obvious homosexual” has its good side too. My mother was the only one who acted like she was shocked by the news, and carried on as if I had placed a dagger in her heart. I remember at one point in her initial rant her saying “I never would have thought you were a homo.” To which I recall responding, “Well Mom you are the only one.” My father didn’t react at all as he had silently come to accept the fact that his son was a “faggala” many years before, much to his shame and disappointment. He had hoped for a son who would enjoy fishing and hunting and have John Wayne as his role-model, instead of a boy who loved paper dolls and cake decorating and whose role-models were Doris Day and Donna Reed. My parents never openly rejected me and they tolerated the fact that I was who and what I was, but they would never really come to embrace it either. I suppose, given others stories, I have something to be grateful for in that fact. My younger sisters were cool with it, my second oldest sister wasn’t the least bit surprised, but my oldest sister came to quietly accept something she wished she could deny.

In the end of June 1980 I would move out of my parent’s home into an apartment in Flushing Queens with my best friend and another young gay male friend, and I began to live as an open and self-accepting gay person from that point. That was many years ago, and I have never regretted my decision to come out and live as I am. I’m not saying that there aren’t things I’ve done in my life that I regret and wish I had done differently, who honestly can say they have no regrets, except perhaps a fool or a liar; but I am glad that I came to accept myself for who I am, and coming out made a huge and positive difference in my life.

The funny thing is that after all these years the only place I am forced to keep more or less silent about who I am is in my church. Funny because God knows who God made, and Jesus called me to Himself knowing who I am and He never asked me to be something I am not. Yet when I am with my brothers and sisters in Christ I must walk a tight rope. A tight rope not made by God but by human bias and preconceptions. No where in the bible does God say it is a sin to be a homosexual, but it does say “though your father or mother may forsake you, I the Lord will never forsake you”, and true to God’s word God has never forsaken me. Jesus likewise never condemns homosexuality or asks any body to change their sexual orientation, but He does say “Come to Me all you who are weary and heavy burdened, and I will give you rest”, and so He has given me rest and restoration, and I know, despite the misunderstanding of some of my sisters and brothers in Christ, that no thing and no one, not even the self-righteous, can ever separate me from the love of God in Christ.

The Green Queen's links of interest: www.epistle.us (Link under "other links" on right column)