My first memory of reflecting on my own sexuality and gender expression is at the age of 6. I clearly remember first grade like it was yesterday. I had a little bit of a mullet and a sweater dress; I looked like a “normal girl” in 1991. I went to a small school and during lunch we played this game: girls chase boys. Ever heard of it? The girls chase the boys around the playground, I guess to catch them or something…I am not sure why. That was exactly it, I never understood the game very much at all. I tried to participate but there was something about chasing boys that never kept my interest.
Flash to age 12. By this time, I was not the “normal girl” anymore. In fact, I was quite the opposite. It was 1997 and I was in a total grunge fad. Seventh grade was so painful. Not only was it normal awkward like middle school is for everyone, but I was a total dyke. With my buzzcut, baggy boy cammo pants, boy janco t-shirt, Dr. Martin combat boots, and bike chain necklace, I was definitely not the cool kid. My gender expression had always been a little on the masculine side. I always blamed it on my weight, saying that female clothes never fit me right. The truth was, I liked it a lot when people would call me “son” and “he” out in the mall or at a restaurant. There was something about it. At the same time, my body was definitely developing feminine features and despite my hormonal imbalance, my body managed to produce wide hips and one nice breast (the other one was not so nice). I hated my body.
Sexuality was in full bloom at my school. Everyone I knew had a boyfriend or was being invited to sleepovers. As an awkward young lesbian, I was never invited out ever. The girls didn’t want me at their sleepovers because I didn’t talk about boys and the boys didn’t want to date me because I looked like them. I had a few friends, but no one that I really felt I could open up to. One night, I was staying up late, not having any weekend plans, and I caught something on TV that brought me to my realization. I can’t remember whether it was the movie Gia or some horribly scrambled porn that turned me on, but something did it. I quickly realized that this naked woman on the TV was turning me on. It scared me a lot. I couldn’t get my body to stop tingling. That was the night I went into the closet and became asexual. I would spend several years completely ignoring all forms of sexuality. I wouldn’t recognize my body as needing touch or stimulation. Forget about pretending to like men; I would like no one.
It was sophomore year of high school. In order to fit in socially in high school, I turned myself into a girl I was still overweight, but I was growing my hair out from the short haircut I had had since I was about 8. I had an extensive skirt collection and I wouldn’t go anywhere without a purse. I had gotten breast implants to make my body look like everyone else’s. However, I still didn’t wear makeup, had thick glasses, bit my nails to nothing, and did not experience any sexuality. I had not even kissed a person or gone on a date. I was friendlier with teachers than students and I was never invited to sweet sixteens In my history class, we had to pick research topics. The Gay Liberation Movement was suggested and I took it, thinking it would be easy since it wasn’t very long ago. Still to this day, I honestly remember being so far in denial about my sexuality that I did not think I was a lesbian at all. I just happened to pick the topic. I loved that research paper. I worked day and night on it and won research paper of the year. As a result, I joined the floundering gay-straight alliance, PULSE, elected myself president, and became obsessed.
For the next couple years of high school, I would become the best straight ally in the history of the world. I ran PULSE for the next 2 years under the guise of being straight. However, I really do not recall thinking about being a lesbian. I never had this idea like I was in the closet, lying about who I was. Instead, I continued to be a model straight ally, claiming, to the best of my knowledge, that I was straight. I was so deep in the closet that I had convinced myself! During this time, I also turned to religion. I am not sure that I was conscious of why I suddenly had an interest in Christianity, but in hindsight, I think it was a way for me to be a walking contradiction and balance my liberal feelings on sexuality with something more mainstream and widely accepted. Needless to say, my religious phase didn’t last long as I wasn’t really a believer.
I came (again) to my realization of homosexuality my senior year. I realized that I was in love with my best friend, Leanna. All of a sudden, my memories of feeling all my life that there was something off about my sexuality came rushing forward. I knew that this was my label and it belonged to me the whole time. Shortly thereafter, I came out to all my friends and family. I went through a brief period of time where I didn’t want to tell them, thinking that they may not even believe me. However, I started having feelings of resentment, which forced me to just tell them already! No one was surprised at all. I guess I never thought that people would know until I told them. There was something about them all knowing that was a little violating. Everyone said that they had known that I was gay for a while and that they were just waiting until I told them. My family was and continues to be very supportive in everything that I do.
After coming out as a lesbian, I have started to really own my gender expression as I have always wanted it to be. I have more or less gone back to my seventh grade self (only I have updated my style a little). Going back to the buzzcut hair and male clothing, I have started to live the way I have always felt I should. My identity as a transperson, a gender queer person, a person living life “in the middle” began my junior year of college. I had been slowly moving back to where I wanted my gender expression to be, but only with a lot of judgment from others. I did lose a few lesbian friends, but I have found new friends who accept me for who I am. I began using a nickname instead of my given name and I plan on legally changing it soon. Now I bind my fake breasts (talk about an ironic situation) and try to live my life as neither man nor woman, just an ambiguous individual. I plan on removing my implants and pursuing the use of hormones to get my body to where I am more comfortable with it. I have yet to come out to my family as trans, but I am sure that they will be supportive. Just like anytime I tell my parents something special, it takes time for me to work out how I should say it. But I do not underestimate the love that they have for me.
“Coming out” is a never ending process that we, members of the queer community, face our whole lives. Some say that the idea of coming out implies that we have to admit to something. We will have to come out and identify ourselves as long as heterosexism exists, as long as the gender binary exists. In my opinion, to come out is to do a service to our community and the world. Without visibility, we are nonexistent. Diana Ross sings, “I’m coming out, I want the world to know, got to let it show.” She reminds us how good it feels to come out and how good we make others feel when we come out. Never underestimate the power you have by simply identifying yourself to others.
- Sauce Leon
1 comment:
I can really relate. Your story touched me.
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